R.I.P Grandma

18/12/2010
Rest in heavenly peace.
Love you forever xxxxx

"I Miss You"

Just to hear your voice,
even for one moment
Means so much more than you will ever know
Somehow I can touch you through the void of space
And everything else just falls away
When you say

I miss you.

what you been up to recently?
‘hating the majority of the population’

"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough..."

do you have any idea what you’re actually doing to me?

i hate the feeling of getting a text, but not from the person you wanted it to be.

when you get told your granndmas not coming out of hospital.
i'm only going to have you in my life for the next 4-6 weeks
i'm crying as i write this, i love my grandma

"One of the hardest things I have to deal with, is knowing you're so close, yet so far away"

he's so confusing. some of the things he says to me makes me believe that he really does like me, and then some other things he says makes me believe that i'm just a girl who never crosses his mind.

when two people are meant for each other, no time is too long, no distance is too far , & NOBODY can tear them apart

& i was like a prisoner inside your selfish world, there wasn't enough room for me and all your other girls

My "carefree" attitude isn't just an act.
It's something that I've developed from years of being hurt so much.

when your close to loosing someone, it makes you appreciate them so much more.

Grandma; And you should always know, wherever you may go, No matter where you are, I will never be far away.. please get well soon.
I love you.

Distance is just a test to see how far love can travel.

I miss you so much.

I thought I would miss you, but I never realised how much.
The only thing that gets me through these long days and the next few months is the thought of seeing you again and being with you.

I LOVE JAMAICA MORE THAN YOU LOVE YOUR MUM.

missing someone isn't easy, but having someone to miss is wonderful, and even better is the anticipation and excitement of getting to see them again :)

Distance never seperates two hearts that really care, for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. But whenever I start feeling sad because I miss you I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss.

Within you I lose myself...
Without you I find myself
Wanting to be lost again.

Why is it that when you miss someone so much that your heart is ready to disintegrate, you hear the saddest song on the radio?

When I miss you, sometimes I listen to music or look at pictures of you, not to remind me of you but to make me feel as if I’m with you. It makes me forget the distance and capture you.

It’s true we don’t know what we’ve got until its gone, but we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.

I'm a fish out of water without you

“It’s not. It’s like a darkness that creeps over you and fills you. It drains all your emotions. It takes everything from you, and leaves you feeling hollow and numb. It’s not sadness, it’s not anger, it’s hopelessness. Imagine waking up and there being no colour. Walking outside and feeling no wind. Eating a meal and tasting nothing. Holding somone and feeling completely alone at the same time. When you’re depressed, it’s not a bad mood. It’s a numb, empty, hollowness that seems to never leave. It’s feeling alone in a room full of people. You feel like there’s no hope left.”

Thank fuck for telephones

Imagine life without phones. The way you can speak to someone half way across the world as if they are in the same country as you.

why am I crying after ending our phone call?

Hearing your voice on the phone made me weak at the knees and filled my stomach with butterflies.
I think I'm falling in love with someone who lives 4,690 miles away in another continent. fuck.

"Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them."‌

There's oceans between us, and were miles apart
xxx

Take me back to Jamaica, and leave me there

Despite all the numerous non-stop dramas, I still had a wicked time in Jamaica, there certainly never was a dull moment.
Back in cold shitty England yet again and I'm already looking to book to go back in February :)
I just want to be back by the pool or on the beach, the place I love most with the people I love.
It's probably hard to believe but I have more solid friends in Jamaica than I do here. and I already miss them alot. The goodbyes are always emotional.

Off to Jamaica until further notice.

I miss the way we were so crazy about each other, two young teenagers madly in love. Sometimes I wish I could tell you everything, make everything all right. I know that you still love me, but there’s something jaded about the way you look at me now. There’s something in our conversations that keeps us from saying everything that we’d like to. I don’t know if it’ll ever get that good again and I’m afraid to let go of all this and afraid of starting something new because what if its never the same? What if you were the best one for me? If I could meet you again for the first time what would I say? Knowing you’d become my first love in the future every day for almost two years. And we’d become glue. But somewhere down the line, we didn’t stick anymore. There will come a day when you lay your head on a guy’s chest and you realize his heartbeat doesn’t match yours. Our love was so strong that we felt each other’s love from 3,000 miles away. I will love you until I can sing no mo! re. You haunt the stars in the sky. What makes you think that you cannot love me again? I just wish we could go back to where you realize that you are happy with me. That we can be happy again. You may say you don’t love me anymore, but I know deep down you do. If you just give me a call. If you just listen to what I have to say, then maybe we can be together again. Maybe, we can be that couple that no body could stop the love coming from each other’s hearts. I find it impossible to get through to you, but for some reason after a year I’m still fighting for it. Still fighting for that phone call from you. To hear your voice on the other end. To feel that happy again. I just wish you knew how much I miss you. How much time is spent thinking about you. How much time I spend my day just thinking things through, to get you back.

Lately I feel like I have no real friends anymore.

The best thing on TV

Finally home after working since 2. My feet are KILLING me and I'm actually dead, but I made myself a handy £70.
Now it's time for a shower, catch up on tonights xfactor then I'll be off to bed :)
Jamaicaaa mondayy (L)

"A bad reputation is better than no reputation at all."

too many thoughts = insomonia.

Laying in bed at night is the worst. I can never fall asleep straight away so I just lay there, sometimes for a number of hours, thinking about things that I just can’t seem to get out of my head which is so frustrating. I would love to just lay there with nothing to think about. Everything would just be so easy and I’d never get myself upset, or angry or sad, or happy for that matter. Emotions are horrible.

"London city, the best city in the world when everybodys not shanking and blasting."

I was lying in my bed this morning and all of a sudden I got this really sharp pain right by my heart. I felt like I was getting stabbed in the heart. It lasted for about 15 seconds. My thoughts were racing and I was trying to breathe heavy to get it to go away and I thought I was going to die. And this is the part where it applies to every single one of you. I’ve tried to take my life before, I’ve wanted to die so many times in my life, but when I felt like something was going to kill me without my control, all of those thoughts stopped. In my mind I was begging I would be okay. No matter how much you hate the world, no matter how much you hate yourself, there are answers that are better than death. Believe me. There are people that love you. I love you, for crying out loud. There are people who would be a wreck if you were gone. There is a reason we are all on this Earth, I promise you, even if you don’t see it now. And if you’re feeling alone, know that the world can be a lonely place but it would be lonelier without you in it.

Or should I say, I miss you every day.

I DON'T!

for me it's not so beautiful. but defiantely complicated!

People think depression is just being sad. It's not.

It’s like everything drains away. You don’t feel human anymore. As it gets worse, you start to feel nothing at all. It’s numbness and darkness. Emptiness. You’re a monster. You’re terrified. And you can’t fight it. It’s not like physical pain. It’s so much worse. Maybe if people understood that, nobody would attack someone else for what’s wrong in their life. Maybe nobody would have to feel alone anymore. It’s this horrible creeping feeling. It starts in your chest and spreads in all directions. It fills your head with lies that you start to believe. The lies are the truth and the truth is a lie. Nothing is real anymore. All you know is you can’t remember what it was like to feel. It's staying in all week looking forward to the weekend. And then when the weekend comes, you don't do anything.

I really fucking miss you.

I miss this, and I really miss you. I don't know why I'm always pushing you away, perhaps I know it's because I know your no good for me, and I don't want to find myself overly attached to you all over again. but I knew that at the start, over a year ago. After all the shit you've put me through, and what we've been through together I still care about you alot, and I don't know why I do because I really shouldn't care about you at all. Noone has EVER had a hold over me the way you do, so thats quite a achievement for yourself. Your a cunt, and I'm a cunt. But I know the feelings I have for you are true. and the hardest thing is knowing there is no possible way we could ever be together. But the thing is, I don't actually want a relationship from you, But I don't want anyone else to have you. And I know they have, and still do. Which is why you're such a cunt.
September 2009 xxx

This made my day.

3 days till Jamaica

despite not being on talking terms with my mother, I'm still very excited about my trip to Jamaica. I just bloody hope I don't get a seat next to that bitch on the plane !

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2010/oct/27/marvin-henry-gang-shooting-london

Rest in Peace Marvin 'Spooky' Henry, latest edition to Gods army. Gone, but never forgotten.
xxxx

tomorrow is promised to NOONE.

Sometimes I wish I could bring back time

Atleast now your living with the angels, instead of the demons here on earth.
How many people will die before everyone realises this 'gangman' ting is needless antics?...mandem are dying before their first job it's a joke.
The good die young.

xxxxxxx

Fuck the past. From now on I'm concentrating on my present and future.

The truth is I still care and always will. I’m not the type of girl to let people walk out of my life and pretend that they don’t matter anymore. I may not like that person anymore or talk to him or her but, I still care. I’m always going to think back to my life and say I wondered what happened to so and so. I hope they’re all right. I will actually mean it. That is the type of person I am. Once you’re in my heart, you’re there forever.